endings

so my last blog was about two weeks ago and i talked about breaking things off with matthew. well the next day he started texting me saying that he knows he was wrong for lying to me but that he never lied about he felt about me and that he's gonna fight like hell for me. he told me that his parents would know about me by the end of the weekend because even if i didn't give him another chance at least they would know what he had.

so i gave him another chance. i couldn't just hear that he was going to fight for me, and not see if he would put it into action. so in my mind i set a time limit for him. that time was limit was two weeks. i told him that once he told his parents i wanted to skype with them so i knew he had actually told them. he said that he understood and that he would make it happen.

well its been almost two weeks. his time is up on saturday and he still hasn't told them. i brought it up last night and told him that i can't wait for forever for him to talk to his parents about me. he said that he knows. i told him that hes running out of time really really fast and he just said that he's aware of that. is he ever gonna get that he's losing me? if he never had the intention of telling his parents, then why would he string me along like this? it doesn't make any sense to me.

i'm writing this blog as an update on what's been going on for one. but also as a place to write down what i want to tell matthew if i have to break things off with him again. i want to make sure that i tell him everything that i need to so that i can have that closure and not think later how i wish i would have told him this or that. so here it goes...

matthew,
i gave you another chance to make things right. you told me that you were going to fight like hell for me and put your words into action. you said that your parents would know about me by the end of the weekend and even if i didn't decide to stay with you, at least they would know what you had. i told you that i would give you another chance because i love you and i want this to work more than anything. i couldn't hear you say that you were going to fight for me and not give you another chance. that was two weeks ago and you still haven't told them.

i can't wait around anymore matthew. i can't just completely put my life on hold for someone who isn't putting the same effort into this relationship.

i don't know why you haven't told your parents and i probably never will. i don't know if you're ashamed of me, if you think they won't like me or approve of me or our relationship and how we met. i don't know if you think i'm trying to move things too fast. maybe we're just in different places in our lives and that's why this isn't working out. i don't know where you are anymore, i thought i did but i guess i was wrong. all i know is that i don't want to date someone just to have fun and mess around. i want to date someone that i can see myself marrying and i can honestly say that i saw myself with you forever. maybe you're just not there yet. maybe you're not ready for that type of commitment and i understand that. i just wish so badly that whatever the reason is for you not telling your parents, that you would have told me the truth in the first place.

you know how much family means to me and how important it is to me for our families to know about us. i understand that you weren't living at home and maybe you're not as close to your family as i am. i get that. but after 4 months? after 4 months of telling me that you want to come out here this summer, that you're going to do everything you can to come see me. after telling me that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me and marry me, have kids with me, travel with me. all these things you told me. you said you were planning on spending the rest of your life with me but you wouldn't even tell your parents. i thought i was more important to you than that.
i really hope you know that i love you. those aren't words that i just tell anyone. i tell you that because i mean it. i love you and i really thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with you. i'm pretty sure that i'll always love you. i gave my heart to you and its like you just let it sit there. you didn't do anything with it.

i spent 4 months talking to you everyday and i wouldn't trade that time for anything. i enjoyed every second of it. even though sometimes we fought or got on each others nerves. i loved being able to see you and hear your voice even though you live so far away. i loved getting to know, hearing about the things you want to accomplish in life and i loved sharing those about myself with you. i don't know what i'm going to do with my evenings now. it's gonna be hard for me to fall asleep every night without being able to tell you goodnight and hear you tell me that you love me.

i don't know how i'm possibly gonna be able to get over you but i have to try. i have to try to move on. because i know that i deserve better than this. i deserve someone who is going to fight for me when things get rough, someone who is going to show me with every piece of themselves that they want to be with me. i deserve someone who isn't going to lie to me. i really thought you were that guy. i never thought in my wildest dreams that i would find out you had been lying to me or that you wouldn't fight for me.

i don't really know what else to say except that i love you. i really really love you. i hope and pray that you find someone to love. i'm really going to miss you.